20110808

depression is crippling

It's more than crippling, actually. It's beyond crippling. It's inexplicable for the most part. Depression is completely and irrevocably debilitating. Rendering one null and void within and without, it wounds deep, a painful wound; painful yet intangibly so. It leaves a permanent scar on the heart on soul. And at the back of the mind it leaves a little man who heckles, viciously criticises, harasses, tramples over oneself constantly and at any opportunity to get to one's feet and Be.

What is depression? Most people don't understand and never will. "Normal" people, whose lives don't lack that substance, who haven't been robbed of the basic human ability to function and feel a range of emotions think that depression is when you feel sad. Or depressed.
It isn't. It is one thing to feel depressed - it's normal and healthy. It is good to cry, to mourn, to have people cheer you up. Furthermore, it's human. It's what makes us alive.

Depression, as in the "disorder" (I use the inverted commas because we as a society don't know enough yet to classify it thus, in my opinion), is something else altogether. I'm not sure if all depression-sufferers suffer from the exact same symptoms but I'm certain that most people with depression can identify with a few criteria. Life is lacklustre. The cliche "life has no meaning" is literally what a person with depression feels. (In)complete emptiness within. Some become disoriented psychologically - the void causes the Self to question and blame itself. Who are you? What are you? Why are you?! How dare you! You did this to yourself - to me! You are weak! You are  a burden to everyone... DIE MOTHERFUCKER! FUCKING DIE.
You don't actually want to kill yourself. Who really wants to die? But the pain, the cloudy thoughts, the self-loathing, involuntary nihilistic thinking is so severe that it feels almost unbearable. It's nearly impossible to live a quality daily life or to even think clearly and logically all the time. Instead, you wake up every morning listless and lethargic. To get out of bed is a drag. You'd rather lie there and die.

You don't want to be this way. So you might try self-medication. You do things you'd never have done before or if you were "normal" - because you wouldn't have to. You might try narcotics, alcohol, gambling, living like a lowlife. Fuck it. FUCK IT. What does it matter? Who cares? That little man in your brain yells at you: "You're a piece of shit! You're worthless. Die you fucking cunt."

And then things spiral further downward because you begin losing contact with the rest of society.

But nobody except someone who lives with this demon understands its nature. And they're shunned by the world as 'that weird gloomy guy/chick'. She hasn't got that knack at being sociable. It's true she doesn't. Not because she doesn't want to - she simply can't. She's been robbed of her ability to feel normal. Enjoy your life, normal person. Seriously - no sarcasm or bad wishes upon you intended. May you never feel like that chick... there is nothing in this world worse than becoming psychologically and/or physiologically dysfunctional, so at the very least appreciate that you are not.

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